blogging is bad because it makes me feel funny feelings inside

I know I've been a very bad absentee blogger lately. I wish I could figure out why. It's not that I don't compose lovely posts in my head during the day that I'd like to share with you all. I've even been taking lots of wonderful pictures lately - you see I have cleared out my iPhoto album of all past-life related photos (I did not send them the way of the shredded journals, they were all backed up first!) I can freely open it whenever I wish too, without being bombarded with things I don't want to think about.

Lately I've been a little emotionally out of touch with myself, and I kind of like it that way. Today a little blip on my radar reminded me of some emotional happenings below the surface. I used to think not allowing myself to feel whatever I did (as intensely as I did) in the moment was unfair to myself. But as I get older and more patient, I realize (for me anyway) that giving myself permission to put my emotions aside for later consideration helps me feel balanced. I'm not saying I never contemplate them, but they have their own time and place now.

I've been thinking a lot of things and feeling a lot of feelings as I inch closer to leaving MSCU. I think I'm worried to dwell on them, for doing so might leave me an emotional basketcase. I'm alive, I'm contemplating - I'll blog about it soon, I'm sure.

i like my UPS man

Not in a sexual way, because his overly toned and scrawny legs are so not attractive to me, but I have to say I like my UPS man. In a enjoy his witty banter and comments on my active online shopping habit and his cheerful smile and such.

Thought I would post that to balance out my bad day post.

random bullets of bad day

I think I'm having a bad day. At least, objectively I am.

• I rushed to the shoe store this morning only to find they changed their hours and open later
• I had problems with my computer being too slow to run something I needed
• Hamster Guy. 'nuff said.
• When I went to the pharmacy, they could only give me 3 months of my medication, instead of 4 like they promised
• I had to go to the library (I just hate going to the library)
• When I went shopping at the hardware store, the computer rejected my PIN saying I was entering it wrong (I'm not. I have had the same pin for 10 years.) Ditto at the pet store.
• Went to my bank, and apparently I have now locked out my debit card because of entering the PIN in correctly and have to wait for a new PIN to arrive in the mail. When I insisted I did not enter my PIN incorrectly, she gave me a look that said "I hear that all the time." and a "Well we didn't change your PIN on you" comment. (Seriously, I was entering the correct PIN!)
• I need house repairs and no one will come to actually fix them.
• Hamster Guy. He just deserves two mentions

I tried to boost my mood by blowing bubbles with Cat. I thought she would find this highly amusing, but instead she just made her confused noise. I got the sense I was overloading her brain. But I felt relaxed.

I haven't blogged in ages because there are a lot of unbloggable things going on. On top of that, my life is more exceedingly boring than usual. I've been in a groove, filling my days with work, errands, relaxation, and packing my belongings up. Lots of my friends who will be doing internship this year have already left, and some have even already begun!

I haven't really been on the computer much at home, which is a nice change. I'm hoping the new apartment, which is larger and affords me space to not work in my bedroom (hoorah!) means less time wasted on it there as well.

But most importantly, I've been struggling a lot with what this blog means to me, and how I wish to use it. I'm afraid I've out-ed myself with my personal blogging this year, and so I am afraid to blog about academics, which leaves me afraid to blog about my new academic adventure I am about to embark upon. I am doing my best not to regret blogging about what happened, because it was very healing, but I remain paranoid that someone has figured out who I am, which takes complaining off the table.

Nor do I want to start over, and lose all of you lovely readers and commenters who are just so damn supportive!

On top of that, who I am has changed so much in the four years since I began this blog, that I am also uncertain of who is reflected in it. So, at the very least I am gearing up to overhaul the blog a little bit, because it's time for some change.

Just gotta figure out what the change will be...

on with life! (another boring post)

Mamabeek you have a very good point - boring random bullets of crap posts do mean that life is on track. I'm getting very good at embracing the mundane, though also admit that I am feeling a tad socially isolated with my mundane life. I realized this morning that I don't think I've interacted with another human being (aside from grocery store clerks, etc) since last Monday. Maybe Tuesday. As if Tuesday is much of an improvement on Monday, really.

Slept in this morning - I wish I could say that I felt rested, but I didn't. Not sure what was up with Cat but we did not have a good night. My mother woke me up at 10am, and I made no effort to mask my asleep voice, since I wasn't awake enough to be cognizant of the fact that I should be masking said voice. I'm still not entirely sure what we talked about.

Dragged my sorry butt to my office to finally do some work there, and managed to get 4-5 hours of semi-solid research stuff done. Also managed to pack some more boxes and am getting slightly annoyed at the number of boxes I am accruing. The problem is that I am running out of stolen boxes and have resorted to using up the little boxes... I'm not sure I'm going to have enough, but we'll figure it out. If only I was socially extroverted enough to seek out more boxes in person, rather than covertly stealing them from various departments' recycling. I would be much further ahead.

Woke up at 4:30 in a panic this morning over my bank account and the number of things I have to do before I go. I've settled into some type of weird purchasing mode where I suddenly think I can not buy any belongings in N2C and must therefore buy them all now. Right now. A list of self-approved purchases has been made. Deviations from the list are not permitted. I did however purchase a new Small Animal cage, and I believe Small Animals are going to be excited. Well, no, they'll be terrified. But I'm excited.

Tomorrow is a definite research day. Most likely a writing day and organizing my data file day. But tonight I'm going to continue to wallow in my boredom with a book.

random bullets of post #502

• Do you guys ever have days where your contact lenses are just seriously dry and you have no idea why? I don't get it. No matter how many times I blink, they're still all dry and uncomfortable. I've been wearing my glasses a lot lately (dooooorky!) and they make my ears hurt! But I think I'm going to have to switch over.
• Today for some reason I was motivated enough to move my desk, clean around it/behind it/under it/on it and completely clear it off, in order to get ready for 2 weeks of solid writing. The first benefactor of this project is Cat, who can now stretch out across the entire desk and sleep while I work.
• I was all motivated to be the second benefacotr until I realized that even when I finish these papers and send them to Dr. Smooth, he won't read them for (no shit) up to 6-8 months. This will not help me at all while I look for jobs. Maybe I shouldn't even bother. I was in touch with Undergraduate Advisor this week and he was impressed with all the writing I was up to - I was too mortified to admit how long it will take to see the light of day.
• This week I ran out of coffee, tin foil, and laundry detergent. WTF? I hate replacing those things before you move somewhere!
• I thawed ground turkey to make dinner, but instead I seriously want sushi.
• That is all. Possibly my most boring post ever.

writing writing writing

Wow, last post was my 500th post and I didn't even notice it! I wonder if I should have posted something witty and deep, instead of my sadness over the break up of a reality TV couple I've never even met before?

I've been keeping a journal since I was about 7 years old. Granted, my early journals were not really that interesting, but I still kept them. It's not uncommon for me to get 1-2 new journals for Christmas and spend the year writing in them. They've been there for me when I've needed to vent, or process, record what's going on in my life, or am simply feeling bored and want to put some thoughts down somewhere. In the past year I have filled a record six journals of thoughts and feelings.

Ex used to say he knew when he had really pissed me off, because my journal came out. But really, journaling was a refuge in a relationship with an emotionally distant partner who refused to really discuss our issues, in a lifestyle where I didn't want to let my friends and family members in on our problems. In the early stages of our relationship, when our problems revolved around who would do the dishes, that was probably a good move. In the later parts of our relationship, when they began to involve issues like intimacy, secrecy and privacy, fidelity, support and loyalty... well, let's just say next time I face issues like that I'll be reaching out to someone. (Unless I dump that person like a hot potato, because frankly I have zero interest in a relationship that involves any of those issuess.)

This move for me is much more than simply completing the final requirement of my PhD. It is quite literally a fresh start. The months I've spent carefully sifting through belongings and purging them, purchasing new things I want to surround me, and even cultivating the relationships I will or will not leave behind, have all been moving toward a brand new start for me. I'm smart enough to recognize that I can't forget the past, and that it's an important piece of who I am. I am at a point in my life where I simply do not know who I would be, if I had not gone through the turmoil I have.

For many months I have been comtemplating what to do with the 20 years of journals I have carried with me from place to place. So many of them are filled with grief and tears. So many more of them are filled with angry comments that I wouldn't want anyone to see. For several weeks I've been contemplating shredding them. At one point they seemed like a testament to my life. Now, they seem to be a secret albatross around my neck. What if something happened to me - do I want my family to see all the angst-ridden rants of teenage Psyc Girl? What about the journals from the last seven years. Do I really ever want to open the journals and read about my troubled relationship?

So I've decided to go ahead and destroy them. I expected to feel some pain at doing so, but I feel lighter. The most difficult piece is shredding without reading those journals that mark the most upsetting pieces of my past. As it is, just glimpses of every 2-3 pages have reddened my face with shame over my feelings - not shame that I felt them, but shame that I was in a relationship with someone who objectively had questionable feelings for me. I know Ex would claim he loved me deeply, but anyone reading my journals from the outside would be unconvinced. I felt shame then (I'm not going into detail) and I feel shame now, reading them.

Just the fact that that is how I feel and react says to me that I'm making the right decision. When I leave for Number 2 City, I'll really be taking only the pieces of my old life that I wish to carry forward into the new one. What's going with me? Six journals that show just how much progress I've made, the amazing support I've received, and the strong person I've revealed underneath the chaos I was going through. I'm ecstatic, energized, and completely thrilled at how few pieces there actually are to pick up and take along. So thanks y'all for the break, but I am going back to my mountain of shredding and destroying.

I'm watching John & Kate Plus Eight. Waiting for them to say it, but no one has yet. It's painful, like I want to turn it off and do something else instead. It's obvious that the episode was filmed a little while ago, which makes their recent separate vacations make a lot more sense. Obviously they've been separated.

What pains me the most is how I could have said everything Kate has said so far, even though I am younger than her and obviously do not have eight children (a detail I'm sure you would have heard of by now on the blog, if I did.) I completely sympathize with her frustration describing John's underlying anger to her and his refusal to talk about it. I've been there. I understand her not knowing what he wants. And more importantly, I completely understand when she says that she isn't sure if John understands the implication of his decisions.

I know there are two sides to every story, and I know television doesn't likely tell 100% of either of those sides. But seriously, I'm looking at John wearing some type of nightmare before christmas-esque skull faced t-shirt and the shininess of his studs in both ears (WTF? Skeevy, dude) and listening to him say "I mean, I'm 32...." and I cringe inside. John has spent the entire episode complaining about the paparrazzi - I fail the entire relevance. Is John leaving because of the paparrazzi? (Oh wait, nevermind, John just said the snottiest comment about letting Kate rule his life and how he's standing up now.)

I want to hug Kate and say "I've been there. Lesson learned - don't marry a total slacker. Let's not do that again, mkay?"